Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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