You're so nebulous sometimes
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
