just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
