I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
