I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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