went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
