Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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