Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
