I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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