I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
