i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
