i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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