I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
