All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
