He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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