I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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