I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
