If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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