Grow some girl-balls and come out already
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
