look no pants
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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