we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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