I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
