I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
