I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
