it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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