god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
