I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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