I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
