Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
That reminds me...we need to get swords
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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