I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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