So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
