I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
