I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
