I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
