Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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