WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
