you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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