I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
