I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
