last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
