The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
