nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
