you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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