My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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