I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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