Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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