I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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