apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am one with the molecules
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
