Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
