i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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