so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
