I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
