Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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