There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's rum buckets o'clock
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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