tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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