I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
